I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I often feel as though I’m lacking. Lacking smarts, lacking sense, lacking money, lacking looks, lacking skill…the list goes on and on, and varies depending on the day and my mood. It seems to be in our nature as humans to often feel like we’re not good enough, to feel like others are kicking butt at life when we are not, and to constantly let scores and opinions drastically shape how we view ourselves.
We got our semester grades back a few weeks ago, and I’ll be the first to admit that seeing a B+ on my transcript made my heart drop. Literally my insides felt all icky and gross and my heart started to pound faster and faster. The last five months immediately played through my mind in fast-forward, and I thought about every test I took and every paper I wrote. I thought about finals week and started kicking myself for not spending one more hour studying or one more hour proof-reading. I felt immediate embarrassment about my ‘bad grade’. Suddenly that one B+ became a sign that I’m in the wrong field and proof I’m not going to be successful; it a measurable way to say that my life is-and that I am-crappy.
And I knew that those things weren’t accurate. In fact, I knew that in most circles a B+ is not even considered a ‘bad grade’ at all. I’m in school studying to be a therapist, and I know that what I was thinking was an incorrect cognition and it was very much untrue. However, knowing that and believing that is two entirely different things.
And then I thought about 2nd Corinthians, which says “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
I am enough because He is enough.
I am a loved fiancé, a cherished daughter, a good student, a hardworking intern, a dedicated worker, a faithful friend, and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I had a long, hard semester that was full of change and adjustments and jam-packed weeks. If one B+ is what came out of that instead of straight A’s then I am okay with that, because a lot of other ‘ungraded’ stuff came with it as well.
I spent time making new friends that I know I will cherish forever. I spent time trying new restaurants, going to new parks, and exploring my new home, which brought my wanderlusting heart joy. I spent time working long hours to make ends meet, which brought me pride and a sense of accomplishment. I spent time basking in the presence of someone who loves me unconditionally, which brought me peace and security when I needed it the most. I spent time walking around my neighborhood, feeling the sun on my face, clearing my mind, and grounding myself when things seemed too much to handle. I spent time laughing and eating and drinking and feeling so happy to be alive.
Sure, I could have slept less and studied more, socialized less and worked more, spent less time watching Netflix and more time cleaning my house. I could have worked more hours and gotten better grades. But then my soul would have been lacking, my sanity would have been cracking, and my joy would have been depleted.
Because life is all about balance, friends.
Sometimes it seems impossible to be perfect at everything, and that’s because it is. But that’s only if you’re comparing yourself to anyone other than yourself. I know that I spent the last five months doing the best that I could. I laughed a lot and cried a little, I made my relationships a priority, I created a home across the country, I adjusted to huge changes, and I kept God at the center.
And that, to me, is enough.